Who is the one who always walks beside me – along the holiday hedgerows and across the beach, leaving no footsteps? He flickers at the edge of vision and looks overjoyed, bounding among family and friends, at ease, like me in better times. He is there through the tasteless chill of ice cream; he savours the acid coffee that only burns my gut. Happiness comes easily to him; he throws it in my face, mocking my unshakable mood, my sharp longing. I see his quick look of disgust. I think he would destroy me if he could. I wish he would.